So that journal...

My journal [see below] is still sitting there haunting me. Empty. It's even a graph paper journal... the kind I've always wanted.

I have a final on Wednesday afternoon (stupid BA311...), and another on Friday, and a take-home essay due next Tuesday (or was it Wednesday?), and then the final version of my HLL paper... BUT then that's it! Graduation is so close, but yet so far.

Oh, and Michelle is coming to stay with me this weekend! She gets here Thursday morning and then we have the whole weekend to hang out. I'm hoping to get my take home essay done by the time she gets here, that way I can take the entire weekend off!

I've been thinking about the environment a lot lately (i know what you're thinking...where'd this come from?). Here's the deal: I'm a hypocrite. I'm all for saving the environment, but apparently only when it's convenient. Despite all the statistics (I'm a big fan of stats) I still don't recycle. Now, hold your horses all of you Urbana-dwellers. In Urbana recycling is easy (you just bring it to the bin), but here in Champaign you have to do a lot more work. True, I don't know what that work is--I've never even really tried to find out--but it sure is a lot less convenient to recycle over here. And that's just recycling! There are so many other things about which a true environmental advocate should be concerned. I could replace light bulbs for energy efficient ones, I could have bought a more fuel efficient car, I could... I don't even know what else I could do! I'm disappointed in my passivity. Yet, I am not doing anything about it (oh the beauty of passive behaviors). I'm just rambling now. So... stop.

Wrapping Up

I can't believe everything's ending. Tomorrow night is the final presentation for my India class. I can't believe it's that time of the year already.

I was going to write more in this post, but I really do need to get some homework done and then go to bed early. Um, so, sorry for the lame post. I'm just in shock I guess?

New Journal

I bought a new journal the other day... and now it's just sitting there taunting me.

The first page is VERY important. It's the page you'll look at every time you open it. Sigh... what to write/draw/create/...?

Tonight. Tonight I will do something with it.

What should I name it? I just realized it doesn't have a name yet... :)

censorship

I went through my older posts on this blog and I censored them. Yes, it's true. I have participated in censorship on my own blog.

I originally intended for this blog to just be a place where I could write my thoughts and no one I knew would visit (I wouldn't "advertise" it). But, that's stupid. The internet is not a place for a secret diary where you post based on the assumption that no one will find it. So as a preventative measure I edited out some of my stuff that I wouldn't be comfortable talking about in person with someone. It's like the "Blush Factor." Is it an idea that I would blush about so much that I couldn't talk about in person? Then edit it out. I did leave "*****" where I took stuff out. That way if something later doesn't make complete sense you can assume that it relates to something that was censored.

I am afraid...

...to keep a journal because it might be found and read by someone.

When I was little (prob. 5-10 yrs) my brothers used to find my diary(s) and read them. They would break the lock (unfortunately those little locks were more for show than for locking) or sometimes just bend back the cover and read whatever I'd write. I imagine they found something like this (yes, probably even at 5 years old):

Dear Diary,
I really really like Jeff. He's cute.
Love, Susan

Whenever I journal or keep a diary my entries normally end up in "letter form." I actually found that when I pray it tends to follow a letter format, too. Something like:

Dear God,
How can it be that there are so many struggles going on in this world that it's so hard to pick a cause to support? American Cancer Society or Invisible Children or Locks of Love or Mutual Ground or RAINN or....? Why can't you make it so that there's only one Worthy Cause at a time... it sure would be a lot easier to pick one and stick to it. Maybe even make a real change in the world. But, I guess if you wanted to eliminate all struggles but one you'd probably go the extra mile and eliminate them all...right? Well, I should go do some homework/watch tv/fall asleep/get to class/get lost online. Talk to you some other time.
Love, Suz

I have a journal that I kept when I was traveling in Spain. I wrote stuff in there that I don't want anyone to ever read...so why did I write it? And why do I keep it? I don't want to destroy it because it has a lot of good stuff in there (where we went, what we saw, how it changed me), but there are parts where...well, I get embarrassed when I think of what someone else would think of me if they read it. I'm even embarrassed of what I think of myself when I read it. But should I cross those parts out? Throw the entire thing out? Rip out those pages? I don't know... it feels like I'd be defacing something important. I think instead I will just buy a new journal. Start fresh. Hide this one away and hope that no one ever finds it.

Why did I start thinking about journals? I was doing a little "Stumble Upon" action and I came across this: www.wreckthisjournal.com. It sounds like a cool idea to get over my fear of journaling and get back to being creative. I haven't felt creative for awhile and I miss it. Maybe I can make a journal that is creative and also something that I wouldn't have to lock up or hide away. A journal that is an expression of me and open-ended enough that it is not easily understood by the casual observer.